- Chuck & Anna (will she EVER stop having weird hair?) T. (17/30, two-step): Anna's strange curl-a-rific hair traveshamockery aside, this was actually one of Chuck's better dances. It wasn't by any means excellent--this is "The Iceman" we're referring to--but the fact that the two-step generally requires a tough-guy persona rather than one's "feminine side" probably worked towards the pro wrestler. And he didn't drop Anna, like she was hoping! (And he didn't throw her, either, which he has been known to nearly do.) He danced at the start of the show, so that may work slightly against him, but he seemed more comfortable and consistent this week, and that's always a plus.
- Magic Melissa & Mark (28/30, charleston): You've probably noticed these last few weeks that I've kept repeating things like, "Can Melissa pull out of the middle of the pack? I think so", and "She has a lot of fear and clumsiness, but she can overcome it." To tell the truth...I wasn't exactly confident in those remarks. And I NEVER thought Melissa would be able to pull off high-20s scores for quite a while. Well, to my delight, I was wrong--the former teenage witch still has it! Her Charleston was zippy, precise, and completely in character. (I was also weirded out, then charmed by, the clever black-and-white opening.) It was a whole new Melissa. Hopefully the 9-point increase and the newfound confidence that she unlocked will follow her into next week. Goodness knows the voters will. Yeah!
- Natalie & Alec (24/30, bolero): It would have taken a lot to top last week's stunning breakthrough of a rumba--and having essentially the same kind of dance doesn't help. Unfortunately, Natalie did fall a bit from the previous dance's electricity--but only 2 points' worth. It was still an excellent, assured dance, with just little improvements needing to be made, much like the judges said. The rehearsal meltdown was tense (and why did you end with it, mean editors?), but not too scary. Alec is a responsible, fair partner (unlike Maks!!!), and in the end, it worked toward the betterment of the dance. At least, I THINK it did. Who knows? Natalie just might get "Better In Time." (I love that song! And I always go for the puns, haven't you caught that by now?)
- Aaron & Karina (18/30, lambada): The boy who cried "low scores!" last week was at it again...being overly expressive and not having much consistency to show for it. His lambada was...here I go, speaking like Len would...a heck of a lot of a bouncing and flailing about. His man-hug moment with Michael (IRVIN--no G, mister!) after the Week 3 show was somewhat nice--if only for the football player's kind words of comfort, rather than Aaron's slightly bratty whining. At least they brought in a REAL expert for the rehearsal, but the fact that it only concentrated on the first five seconds of the dance (the flip, of course) was probably not for the best. Mr. Carter was only a shade off the bottom scores, and you all know how long I've been calling for his elimination. Carrie Ann noted that a lot of people are turned off by Aaron's superficial demeanor--could I not be the only one???
- Mark & Lacey (22/30, two-step): The rehearsal footage was a carnival of random accents...Mark speaking with a Southern drawl and Lacey going all "young grasshopper" on him? Nice. And I thought the Chairman's two-step was pretty darn-tootin' good, a return to form after a few weeks of wandering in OK-Dance Land. He's toned down his wacky arms, channeled his (completely psychotic amount of) energy, and gotten a bit better at the steps. He's not perfect, but he's most certainly getting there. (The budget singer who attempted "Nothin' Better To Do", however, is not. I'm pretty sure she started in the wrong key. That's pretty embarrassing...) And his family got to visit his rehearsal! Cue the "awww"s!
- Kelly & Louise Louis (23/30, charleston): Kelly lost the lead role in "Chicago"? And Samantha actually played it at one point? What?!?!? Give it back to Kelly now!!! (And I had no idea Samantha could sing. Or can she? Well, I suppose her singing skills can't be any worse than her dismal public-speaking ones. Oh, the many awkward interviews...) The dance was vibrant, with a few off steps but full of life and spirit. (Hello, it's a Charleston. Can you NOT have life and spirit?) And thus continues Ms. Osbourne's upward trajectory...bring on the Brit! (Side note: I once thought Louie was creepy...his whole gleeful guitar-playing on Lisa Rinna's stomach a few seasons ago was a bit much for me. This season, that feeling was going away...until he put on makeup. Um...awkward...)
- Joanna & Derek (26/30, [completely scandalous] lambada): For the first time since Week 1, I can freely admit that Joanna's dancing was actually good. So the skills, she has those. Any sort of morals and modesty whatsoever? Judging from this incredibly over-the-line lambada, I severely doubt she has any of that. Her costume was little more than a strip of fabric barely covering what it needed to...which was not much to begin with, and Derek, WHY did you take off your shirt? Why?!?!? As president of the Anti-Heartthrob League, I must openly censure your scandalousness. This kind of exposure is strictly forbidden ("shh, forbidden"...), much like the lambada used to be. The innuendo the judges indulged in was only the tipping point of the R-rated-ness going on...and to think that a commenter on ABC's website welcomed the raunch, saying that DWTS has been "too conservative before now." To that guy, I say...go away, sicko. To Joanna and Derek, I say...pretty much the same thing. With an "s" at the end, because there's two of them.
- Donny & Kym (24/30, charleston): Ahh, things are back to normal over in Mr. Osmond's segment...pretty much. Tom's crack at the beginning about the locations where Bruno and Donny could reside...and the "Donny! Bruno! Donny! Bruno!" playful love-fest were funny, rather than awkward, and there was no unwarranted smooching at the judges' table this time around. And the dance was pretty fun! Ironically, for this more theatrical dance, it was a bit less Broadway-like than Donny's first-week can-can of a dance, and it worked pretty well. And they threw a little "Hello, Dolly!" in! (Special place in my heart alert...I totally was in that musical in 9th grade.) Charming, fun, and energetic. The non-fainting Osmond is back to his strengths. (Side note: Samantha described the process as, "They dance. I talk. You vote." Can we take out the "I talk" part? It's not that important.)
- Michael & Anna D. (16/30, bolero): Poor Michael. He can't get much content in his routines, he can't get the love from the judges (even Bruno, who's going to be in a GOP commercial any day now with his "you're like the economy...every week, we keep expecting you to get better, and nothing happens!" comment...a gay British/Italian in a Republican ad? That would be classic), and in essence, he just can't catch a break. He's full of spirit, dedication, and confidence...but it's not just clicking. Much like the judges said, it was disjointed and lacking of any real movement...it just didn't work. (Even with the nice song that I've never heard and now really like.) Michael can do much better than this, and we know it. And Anna, despite her newcomer status, can be a much better and effective teacher. Come on, MVP! Unleash your inner dancer! The question is, will America let him? Once again, I bring up last season's resident football player/crank, Lawrence Taylor...he stayed in for quite a while, and he was boring and sucked. Michael is exciting and has potential. Give him a chance, folks.
- Louie & Chelsie (16/30, two-step): The problem with these new dances? The pros are often at a loss. Unfortunately, this charming pair got stuck with the short-straw situation of having neither of them know how the heck to do a two-step. And of course, they made the fun, but not very helpful, decision to visit last season's zero-to-hero (except for when he lasted longer than Lil'Kim...she could DANCE!) Ty Murray. The segment on his ranch was hilarious (getting knocked over by a bale of hay? nice...), but it didn't appear to make any improvements to the dance. I love Chelsie and like Louie, but it was very awkward. As Carrie Ann pointed out, it was basically just Chelsie pulling out all the stops and Louie not really knowing what to do. Hopefully this admittedly woeful week won't end Mr. Vito's excellent dancing run. We need him to stay, he's fun...and we can't eliminate Chelsie!! (Besides, her brother still hasn't seen her dance!)
- Mya and Dmitry (28/30, lambada!): Now, THEY got a lambada! (Hakuna matata! :) ) It was sultry but not over-the-top, precise but not soulless, complex but not overly intricate. In short...perfection, something that Mya has (predictably, but consistently) brought out pretty much every week. Len's still being his cranky British self and pooh-poohing the amazingness for absolutely no reason whatsoever (I loved Carrie Ann's and Bruno's back-to-back 10-paddle protest, by the way), but who cares about him? Well, perhaps Mya herself does...she made me incredibly nervous with her "we need to please the judges and simplify the choreography" theme (for many a dancer in previous seasons it has ended in disappointment), but thankfully she's amazing enough that her and Dmitry's "compromise" turned out excellently. Still, listen to Mr. Chaplin, Mya! He knows how to dance, and...you do. Well, he knows to choreograph, and...oh, you know how to do that too. Um...maybe you should just do what works. That's good advice, isn't it?
They Rocked Our Socks!: Mya, Melissa, Natalie, and Kelly, and Mark.
I Love 'Em, But The Dance Didn't: Louie and Michael.
The Jury's Out: Donny (great, just no votes from me yet) and Chuck.
Eliminate Them...Now!: Joanna the scandal, and Aaron the whiner.
With the results show ominously approaching in fourteen minutes, I must bid you (whoever you are, who somehow reads this blog) adieu. Keep reading, and keep dancing! Cheese out!
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