Week 4 Results: The Good, The Bad, and The Carter...

Sometimes in our lives...we have pain. We have sorrow. But if we are wise, we know...there's always tomorrow. Or next week. Now that my shamelessly cheesy song quoting is over ("Lean on me!" OK, maybe I lied...), let us press on to the nitty-gritty of the results-show craziness...who got eliminated? Was it shocking? Did I cry? Did Shakira actually wear clothes? The answers to all that, and more...as we proceed:

• The Elimination: Oh darn, I was SO close!!!! Aaron miraculously and delightfully landed in the Bottom 2, and I was almost sure that his obnoxious demeanor, constant whimpering, and general lack of consistent dancing talent had kept him from getting enough votes. Alas, it was not to be (and darn, since he was in the Bottom 2, the votes and drive will pour in next week), and our lovable Iceman, Chuck Liddell, was sent home to his (completely awesome!) kids. Seeing as his two-step last night was the most coherent and comfortable of his 4 dances so far, it was a bit of a premature exit, especially given the presence of Aaron "Brat" Carter in the split-screen with him, but still, we shall survive. (After all, I never voted for old Chuckie.) Now if we only could get Mr. Carter and Ms. Krupa off...THAT would be wonderful.
• The Music: Shakira, Shakira. My opinion on thee is rather mixed. On the one hand, I think you're a colorful character and I like you for that. On the other hand...your songs tend to veer towards the scandalous side. So does your, ahem, dancing. And your voice live? Not so amazing. (Even though, if my little glimpse towards the end of "Hips Don't Lie" was correct, you were pre-recorded.) The good news? She wore much more clothing than I thought she would. Though it would have been wonderful if she had learned about the concept of covering one's back, hips, and arms beforehand. (I'm still holding out for modesty, folks!) Her first song, "Did It Again, " was OK...the Japanese (or Chinese?) drummers were uber-cool, and Shakira herself joining in the intense percussive-ness at the end was very awesome. That said, the song kind of sucked. A lot. The second number, the aforementioned "Hips Don't Lie" (which, by the way, is obvious...hips can't talk! even Shakira's bare ones...), was just as eh, with a weak vocal and awkward rapping by...was that Wyclef Jean? I don't think it was, because they would have mentioned him...anyways, whoever it was, hampering the song's catchiness and fire. (There is not too much of that, though, in the first place...I've never really liked that song...) And the dancing...well, let's just say I won't make my requisite "They should be in the next season!" comment this week, because with Joanna's skankified nonsense this season, I don't think I can take another naughtiness-baiting contestant in the future. (I mean, is it even possible for Shakira to be modest? And that, combined with the prone-to-bare skin costume designers, could create mass inappropriate content. Bleh.)
• The Rest: Candidate for results show segment of the season, right here...the adorable, hilarious, heartwarming interviews with the offspring of Melissa, Mark D., Chuck, and Michael. (Poor 7 other cast members. They have no cute kids to show off.) It was fun, charming, and not too cheesy and/or overdone. It was like a trip back in time to the days of Bill Cosby and the beloved "Kids Say The Darndest Things." Except with just the kids. And the fun. "Vote for my mommy!" Don't worry, Mason Hart...or whatever your last name is, I don't remember...I will! As for the other segment...it was pretty much the opposite. Very depressing and overly dramatic. Of course, only the DWTS producers (did they get an editing lesson from Fox, the king of the splicing together of drama?) would combine all the rehearsal flare-ups and shouting matches into one convenient little package. Bleh. It was not fun. (Well, at least not until Mark shot Nerf darts at the camera. Then it was a little fun.) The pro dancing performance was spicy, and not terribly awkward (Edyta covered her belly! Call the papers!), and I found it interesting how Cheryl and Karina switched partners, while good ol' Alec got to keep his wife to himself. What else happened? Oh, Tom's hosting never fails to charm me. "In the order we like to call no particular..." was pretty much the best improvised line ever. At least, I hope it was improvised. Even if it wasn't, it was still classic. :)

And so we bid farewell to Chuck, as he lassos (really, spell-check? that's how you spell it?) into the DWTS sunset. And we cry (ha ha...) over the fact that the tearful, bratty Mr. Carter still remains. And of course, as always, we'll be back for another week of dancing, recapping, and other antics! See you next week, and cheese out.

Week 4: I Got A Lambada! (And A Two Step, Bolero, and Charleston)

Recognize the quote from "The Lion King 1 1/2" in the title? I hope so, because that movie rocks. Anyhow, back to the matter at hand...we are on to Week 4 of this crazy dance we call life...I mean, "Dancing With The Stars." Hey, was anyone besides me delighted that they brought the disco ball-infused opening (with all of the names showing) returned? I had been missing that. Now we're down to 11...and without further ado, let us two-step on to this bolero of a recap...

• Chuck & Anna (will she EVER stop having weird hair?) T. (17/30, two-step): Anna's strange curl-a-rific hair traveshamockery aside, this was actually one of Chuck's better dances. It wasn't by any means excellent--this is "The Iceman" we're referring to--but the fact that the two-step generally requires a tough-guy persona rather than one's "feminine side" probably worked towards the pro wrestler. And he didn't drop Anna, like she was hoping! (And he didn't throw her, either, which he has been known to nearly do.) He danced at the start of the show, so that may work slightly against him, but he seemed more comfortable and consistent this week, and that's always a plus.
• Magic Melissa & Mark (28/30, charleston): You've probably noticed these last few weeks that I've kept repeating things like, "Can Melissa pull out of the middle of the pack? I think so", and "She has a lot of fear and clumsiness, but she can overcome it." To tell the truth...I wasn't exactly confident in those remarks. And I NEVER thought Melissa would be able to pull off high-20s scores for quite a while. Well, to my delight, I was wrong--the former teenage witch still has it! Her Charleston was zippy, precise, and completely in character. (I was also weirded out, then charmed by, the clever black-and-white opening.) It was a whole new Melissa. Hopefully the 9-point increase and the newfound confidence that she unlocked will follow her into next week. Goodness knows the voters will. Yeah!
• Natalie & Alec (24/30, bolero): It would have taken a lot to top last week's stunning breakthrough of a rumba--and having essentially the same kind of dance doesn't help. Unfortunately, Natalie did fall a bit from the previous dance's electricity--but only 2 points' worth. It was still an excellent, assured dance, with just little improvements needing to be made, much like the judges said. The rehearsal meltdown was tense (and why did you end with it, mean editors?), but not too scary. Alec is a responsible, fair partner (unlike Maks!!!), and in the end, it worked toward the betterment of the dance. At least, I THINK it did. Who knows? Natalie just might get "Better In Time." (I love that song! And I always go for the puns, haven't you caught that by now?)
• Aaron & Karina (18/30, lambada): The boy who cried "low scores!" last week was at it again...being overly expressive and not having much consistency to show for it. His lambada was...here I go, speaking like Len would...a heck of a lot of a bouncing and flailing about. His man-hug moment with Michael (IRVIN--no G, mister!) after the Week 3 show was somewhat nice--if only for the football player's kind words of comfort, rather than Aaron's slightly bratty whining. At least they brought in a REAL expert for the rehearsal, but the fact that it only concentrated on the first five seconds of the dance (the flip, of course) was probably not for the best. Mr. Carter was only a shade off the bottom scores, and you all know how long I've been calling for his elimination. Carrie Ann noted that a lot of people are turned off by Aaron's superficial demeanor--could I not be the only one???
• Mark & Lacey (22/30, two-step): The rehearsal footage was a carnival of random accents...Mark speaking with a Southern drawl and Lacey going all "young grasshopper" on him? Nice. And I thought the Chairman's two-step was pretty darn-tootin' good, a return to form after a few weeks of wandering in OK-Dance Land. He's toned down his wacky arms, channeled his (completely psychotic amount of) energy, and gotten a bit better at the steps. He's not perfect, but he's most certainly getting there. (The budget singer who attempted "Nothin' Better To Do", however, is not. I'm pretty sure she started in the wrong key. That's pretty embarrassing...) And his family got to visit his rehearsal! Cue the "awww"s!
• Kelly & Louise Louis (23/30, charleston): Kelly lost the lead role in "Chicago"? And Samantha actually played it at one point? What?!?!? Give it back to Kelly now!!! (And I had no idea Samantha could sing. Or can she? Well, I suppose her singing skills can't be any worse than her dismal public-speaking ones. Oh, the many awkward interviews...) The dance was vibrant, with a few off steps but full of life and spirit. (Hello, it's a Charleston. Can you NOT have life and spirit?) And thus continues Ms. Osbourne's upward trajectory...bring on the Brit! (Side note: I once thought Louie was creepy...his whole gleeful guitar-playing on Lisa Rinna's stomach a few seasons ago was a bit much for me. This season, that feeling was going away...until he put on makeup. Um...awkward...)
• Joanna & Derek (26/30, [completely scandalous] lambada): For the first time since Week 1, I can freely admit that Joanna's dancing was actually good. So the skills, she has those. Any sort of morals and modesty whatsoever? Judging from this incredibly over-the-line lambada, I severely doubt she has any of that. Her costume was little more than a strip of fabric barely covering what it needed to...which was not much to begin with, and Derek, WHY did you take off your shirt? Why?!?!? As president of the Anti-Heartthrob League, I must openly censure your scandalousness. This kind of exposure is strictly forbidden ("shh, forbidden"...), much like the lambada used to be. The innuendo the judges indulged in was only the tipping point of the R-rated-ness going on...and to think that a commenter on ABC's website welcomed the raunch, saying that DWTS has been "too conservative before now." To that guy, I say...go away, sicko. To Joanna and Derek, I say...pretty much the same thing. With an "s" at the end, because there's two of them.
• Donny & Kym (24/30, charleston): Ahh, things are back to normal over in Mr. Osmond's segment...pretty much. Tom's crack at the beginning about the locations where Bruno and Donny could reside...and the "Donny! Bruno! Donny! Bruno!" playful love-fest were funny, rather than awkward, and there was no unwarranted smooching at the judges' table this time around. And the dance was pretty fun! Ironically, for this more theatrical dance, it was a bit less Broadway-like than Donny's first-week can-can of a dance, and it worked pretty well. And they threw a little "Hello, Dolly!" in! (Special place in my heart alert...I totally was in that musical in 9th grade.) Charming, fun, and energetic. The non-fainting Osmond is back to his strengths. (Side note: Samantha described the process as, "They dance. I talk. You vote." Can we take out the "I talk" part? It's not that important.)
• Michael & Anna D. (16/30, bolero): Poor Michael. He can't get much content in his routines, he can't get the love from the judges (even Bruno, who's going to be in a GOP commercial any day now with his "you're like the economy...every week, we keep expecting you to get better, and nothing happens!" comment...a gay British/Italian in a Republican ad? That would be classic), and in essence, he just can't catch a break. He's full of spirit, dedication, and confidence...but it's not just clicking. Much like the judges said, it was disjointed and lacking of any real movement...it just didn't work. (Even with the nice song that I've never heard and now really like.) Michael can do much better than this, and we know it. And Anna, despite her newcomer status, can be a much better and effective teacher. Come on, MVP! Unleash your inner dancer! The question is, will America let him? Once again, I bring up last season's resident football player/crank, Lawrence Taylor...he stayed in for quite a while, and he was boring and sucked. Michael is exciting and has potential. Give him a chance, folks.
• Louie & Chelsie (16/30, two-step): The problem with these new dances? The pros are often at a loss. Unfortunately, this charming pair got stuck with the short-straw situation of having neither of them know how the heck to do a two-step. And of course, they made the fun, but not very helpful, decision to visit last season's zero-to-hero (except for when he lasted longer than Lil'Kim...she could DANCE!) Ty Murray. The segment on his ranch was hilarious (getting knocked over by a bale of hay? nice...), but it didn't appear to make any improvements to the dance. I love Chelsie and like Louie, but it was very awkward. As Carrie Ann pointed out, it was basically just Chelsie pulling out all the stops and Louie not really knowing what to do. Hopefully this admittedly woeful week won't end Mr. Vito's excellent dancing run. We need him to stay, he's fun...and we can't eliminate Chelsie!! (Besides, her brother still hasn't seen her dance!)
• Mya and Dmitry (28/30, lambada!): Now, THEY got a lambada! (Hakuna matata! :) ) It was sultry but not over-the-top, precise but not soulless, complex but not overly intricate. In short...perfection, something that Mya has (predictably, but consistently) brought out pretty much every week. Len's still being his cranky British self and pooh-poohing the amazingness for absolutely no reason whatsoever (I loved Carrie Ann's and Bruno's back-to-back 10-paddle protest, by the way), but who cares about him? Well, perhaps Mya herself does...she made me incredibly nervous with her "we need to please the judges and simplify the choreography" theme (for many a dancer in previous seasons it has ended in disappointment), but thankfully she's amazing enough that her and Dmitry's "compromise" turned out excellently. Still, listen to Mr. Chaplin, Mya! He knows how to dance, and...you do. Well, he knows to choreograph, and...oh, you know how to do that too. Um...maybe you should just do what works. That's good advice, isn't it?

(I'm changing this up a little bit):


They Rocked Our Socks!: Mya, Melissa, Natalie, and Kelly, and Mark.


I Love 'Em, But The Dance Didn't: Louie and Michael.


The Jury's Out: Donny (great, just no votes from me yet) and Chuck.


Eliminate Them...Now!: Joanna the scandal, and Aaron the whiner.


With the results show ominously approaching in fourteen minutes, I must bid you (whoever you are, who somehow reads this blog) adieu. Keep reading, and keep dancing! Cheese out!

Week 3 Results: It Takes Two

Surprise! Tonight, not one couple left, but TWO! But why? And how? And...when? Well, you know when. And I shall not keep you in suspense any longer. Not that it's that suspenseful anyway...especially if you see the previous post...

• The Eliminations (notice the s): Well, Entertainment Weekly, E! Online, and People.com were correct. Tom DeLay did indeed bow out of the competition tonight--gracefully, of course. It's always sad when a competitor has to withdraw early (example: Misty May-Treanor two seasons ago. BRING HER BACK, you fiends!!!), even if, as in Tom's case, said competitor was not abundantly amazing at dancing. But "The Hammer"--I might as well call him that, Tom Bergeron does it enough--had a heck of a lot of heart, and his dances were always interesting to watch. (And not in a Cloris Leachman-y kind of way.) And he was in the bloomin' House of Representatives! Where else can you get a politician dancing to "Wild Thing" and "Why Can't We Be Friends?" Nowhere, that's where. So I will miss Mr. DeLay, and I hope they follow through on their promise to bring him back for the finale for a final Texas Two-Step, unlike their broken promise to Misty to let her dance her jive eventually. Once again I say: BRING HER BACK! As for the actual elimination, Debi was fiery, determined, and gave Maks' advanced stage of crankiness a run for its money. She had potential...actual potential, not like "oh, you have potential...to suck!" potential, and she was fun to watch. Well, unless her costume was missing a midriff, like last night. (It's not that much more fabric! Don't follow Edyta's scandalous example, folks!) That aside, it's not a fun thing to say goodbye to Debi, but there are quite a few other excellent and/or rapidly developing dancers to love. We'll miss you, lady who said she has monkey arms! :)
• The Music: Queen Latifah is amazing. That said...she should stick to singing. At least when performing live, as her new single ("Fast Car," it was called...I was hoping for a cover of the haunting Tracy Chapman number, but alas, I was not in luck) was a bit ungainly. The best part, of course, was when she sang. The rapping was just...it didn't fit her. I think of her as a classy, unique lady. And when she raps, it just doesn't work. Maybe it sounds better on record...though judging from the 30-second clips I methodically listened to from her new album, back when it came out, probably not. Her second number..."Ease On Down The Road" (which according to my later research, is from "The Wiz"), was much, MUCH better. She had a fire in her vocals, even if she didn't engage in too much riffing, and she danced! (Season 10 contestant? Ch-yes!) The routine was just a delightful spectacle of music and dance--it even got the audience, including Christian Slater and...oh, I have "Forgotten" her name... (fitting, huh?) from the show right after "DWTS," called, you guessed it, "The Forgotten." (It looks painfully by-the-numbers, BTW.) And the Harold Wheeler band was hot! (Well, they pretty much always are. Even the budget singers...on occasion...) So the vibrant Ms. Latifah is one for two. Fair enough.
•  The Rest: Aaron and Joanna were in jeopardy! Hallelujah! Whether that means they actually received a dismal amount of viewer votes or not, or was just a shameless tease, I don't know, but the possibility of their elimination put great joy in my heart. Alas, Mel B did not win America's ultimate favor in the "Design-a-Dance" contest. But guess who did? My favorite dancer I never voted for, Sabrina Bryan! I was a jerk in Season 5, and was all for Marie (and the aforementioned Miss Melanie Brown, of course!!!) rather than the clearly superior Cheetah Girl Sabrina. I had a random, kind of unfounded gripe with her personality. I changed my tune when Ms. Bryan and Mark came back to do a results-night dance...and looked like two perfectly matching professionals! It boggled my mind and I apologize for thinking the (charming and hilarious, but not perfect as a dancer) woman who brought us the horror that was the Doll dance (shudder, shudder) was better than one of the best dancers ever to grace the "DWTS" floor. This doesn't mean I don't like Marie...I still do...but this does mean I'm abundantly glad to have Sabrina be the pick. At least it wasn't Helio...ugh. What else? Chuck and Anna as the encore dance? I don't know what you find entertaining, Mr. Goodman, but the Iceman's "samba" was not so for me. And watching it again...it was still pretty eh. (At least I can watch Mya's rrrumba over and over again on YouTube. I don't need your stinking encore. :) ) JabbawockeeZ was (were?) pretty darn sweet. And even though having Mark B. and Lacey as the ballyhooed "special guests" might have been an anticlimax, they sure know how to keep up with the WockeeZ. There was the typical "celebrities talk about each other" segment that was nice to watch, and the bit at the end where the Woz, Matthew Berry (some guy on ESPN I've vaguely heard of), and...a toddler, no joke...predicted the winner was chuckle-inducing. It was nice to see Steve (what they call The Woz in the real world) again, as his unbridled love for all things mathematical is pretty darn charming. (This is coming from a person who hates math, too.)

The results are in! The voters have spoken. The two departed couples have danced their last dance. Will they actually eliminate someone next week? Who knows? They might just make one of the double eliminations coming up a single, or they might give a free pass to the lowest-scoring dancer for Week 4 instead. You can never tell what those crazy producers will do. As for now, tune in next week for another exciting...recap! Cheese out!

Breaking News: The Elephant Is Out?

Hey, my first piece of news to go on this blog! Except it's not that great, especially if you're a fan of the show's resident Republican. According to some (not exactly verified) reports, Tom DeLay is to bow out of "DWTS" at the results show tonight, due to his injuries. Is this true? Probably. Could it be false, like that Maya Angelou hospital rumor that was viciously floating around the other day? Of course. I like Tom and his understated wackiness, but seeing as both of his feet are pretty much out of commission, and feet are quite important for this dancing thing, I think an early departure just might be the right thing to do. But if he wants to press on, contrary to these reports...then I commend him. Here's the link to the Entertainment Weekly news brief (with subsequent links to the 2 original reports, if you're intrested):


http://news-briefs.ew.com/2009/10/06/report-tom-delay-to-bow-out-of-dancing-with-the-stars/

Week 3: Kiss And...Oh, Please, Don't Tell...

And so we dance on to another week of competition...a WEIRD third week of competition. There was, ahem, an inexplicable intimate moment between a judge and contestant, exceptionally cranky scores from our (favorite?) curmudegeonly Brit, and the appearance (and an interview with) the typically loopy Paula Abdul, kindergarten-esque nicknames and all. Perhaps I should go listen to some late-era Beatles to get some sense of normal. (Yes, tonight was that strange, that I would turn to psychedelic drug music to readjust myself to reality. :) ) Bearing the fact that this night of competition was psychotic all on its own, let's venture into that strange thing we call a recap.

• Mark & Lacey (18/30, rumba): Hi-yah! OK, so Mr. Dacascos hasn't brought kung fu (officially) into his routine since Week One's little number, but watching him dance, you can definitely tell his years of practice in the art have informed his dancing. And not necessarily in a good way. Still, I enjoyed his rumba, even if it was a bit choppy (like the "waters off Nantucket," if you can catch that obscure "Arthur" reference...). I agree with Carrie Ann, he does have the quality of...well, not Joanna, but yes, Mya, but he needs some more fluidity. I do NOT agree with her comment, however, that his rumba was uncomfortable to watch. I liked it. It just needed a bit more finesse.
• (Good morning) Joanna & Derek (23/30, samba): Continuing in my gentle but firm referendum on Ms. Krupa's lack of charm and middling dancing talent, I didn't find her samba too delightful. It seemed a little disconnected, and I just don't see how she puts any emotion in her dancing. That, and Derek telling her to "make it nasty"? Watch yourself, Hough. She already wears next to no clothes, anyway. (Though ironically, this week, billed as "the sexiest week of competition," played host to her most modest costume...though "modest" would most certainly not be a word to describe it. "Candidate for Edyta's winter collection" might be a better name.) From the pointless rope-swing at the beginning (ugh, Derek) to the bitter end, not to mention a song I've always hated ("sex-y..." Ugh...), I'm still not following Joanna's moves. 
• Mya & Shirtless Guy Dmitry (27/30, rrrumba!!!): Dmitry returned to his wicked ways this week (it's like his chest can't resist the enticement of being exposed), but I didn't really care...this dance was intense! Even to a song slapped with the dubiously open title of "Underneath Your Clothes," they turned up the romance and heat, but kept down the scandalousness. It was, as Lady Inaba dubbed it, "mesmerizing." Unfortunately, Len was not mesmerized, and instead took off THREE bloomin' points over small and perplexing quibbles over content and the dance being "too crazy." (I don't think the dance was the crazy thing, Mr. Goodman.) And did anybody else notice Bruno always acting defiant with his higher-than-Len scores? I found it hilarious, he seemed like a rebellious child that was actually right. Anyways, with a beauty of movement and a truly delightful on-screen persona (is it possible to dislike her? I think not), Mya is the one to beat. Viva la Mya!
• Melissa & Mark (19/30, samba): Once again, it wasn't exactly... (insert some other word besides "magic" in here...I need to stop these puns!), but it was still a joy to watch. Melissa seemed more at home tonight, but like the judges said, she still has a ways to go in confidence and precision. Can she do this, however, what with all her (admittedly charming) tripping and falling in rehearsal? I think she can. She did, after all, play a teenage witch. :)
• Louie & Chelsie (20/30, rumba): Holy chemistry! Up until now, Louie has been one of those typical middle-of-the-pack players, doing well but not perfect, not even living up to the fish-out-of-water "Ty Murray" standard on some occasions. Well, Mr. Vito shook off those chains tonight...his routine was full of intensity and romance. The really cool thing about it was that rather than relying on sex appeal and overly physical-ness, it seemed really genuine and pure. Louie and Chelsie gave a lot of tension and elegance, rather than just getting "down and dirty." Are they the most endearing couple to come across "DWTS"? Probably. It was a real treat to watch them, and if they can keep this up, they have finals to look forward to. And a message to Len: What?!?!? Don't you get tired of disagreeing with Carrie Ann and Bruno all the time? The only dance you scored higher than another judge was bloomin' Joanna, and the only other dances you didn't score lower than another judge was Mark's triple-six (aah, bad!) rumba and Donny's (oh, Donny...) 7-7-7 (lucky?) performance of the same dance. There's a line between providing a different viewpoint and just being off your head. You have crossed that line. Perhaps YOU need "a check up from the neck up, son."
• Debi & Maks (17/30, samba): This week's rehearsal footage was awesome! Not for Debi's newfound vow not to talk...goodness, Maks, can't you let her say "I didn't do that right"?? It's not going to kill you. So yes, not for the continual Debi-Maks light argument-fest. For another reason entirely...MEL B!!!! The sultry-voiced Brit made a delightful appearance in the rehearsal package, and I loved her playful statement that she was "always right" in her and Maks's many arguments. (Oh, and I remember many of them...Maks, be nice!) Of course, I would love her reciting the phone book...but I digress. Debi's dance? Her awkward (yet authentic) costume aside (why couldn't you have kept on the jacket?), I didn't think her dance was too terrible, though I did concur with Carrie Ann and Co. that it was a bit too "safe." Bring out that fire, Debi...and hopefully America will give her a chance to do so. If not, then we have a bunch of other great dancers...and hopefully Shawn or Kristi will stop by their rehearsals. :)
• Donny (?!?!?) & Kym (21/30, rumba): In what is likely to be styled something to the effect of "Smoochgate" or "Fake-Out Makeout," Donny got close to Bruno...VERY close. More on that in a second. Mr. Osmond's dance? OK. He seemed a little disconnected from Kym (especially during the out-of-place solo towards the beginning), and...aagh, I'm giving credibility to a Bruno quote...was a bit "airy-fairy," at least arm-wise. All that, however, took a huge back seat to The Kissing...out of completely NOWHERE, after Bruno had spoken a few sentences, Donny grabbed him in an embrace, planted a kiss on his cheek, and while Mr. Tonioli was still trying to finish his critique, simulated what must have been one of the most awkward, choppy makeout sessions in the world. I would have (somewhat) understood Donny doing this if Bruno had said something like, "Act like you're taking Kym in your arms and giving her a kiss," or "You're not being passionate enough!" But there was no such comment, so Mr. Osmond's actions just completely weirded me out. (Perhaps he and his sister have a contest to see who can have the most outrageous "DWTS" moment. Seeing as her faint was a bit involuntary...Puppy Love Donny wins.) Samantha...oh, Samantha...didn't do any favors with a typically squirm-inducing comment: "Maybe you should have given him tongue." My sister texted me and sagely remarked, "I'm scarred for life." My reply? "Me too."
• Paula &...Complete Insanity (????, ????): Paula wasn't a dancer, but if you think I was going to go without commenting on her eerily wacky interview with Mr. Bergeron, you've got another thing coming. There was the playful jab at Tom: "I was just doing fine until you came and sat next to me and disturbed me!" that fell abundantly flat; the childish and not very funny name-calling: "Mr. Goodman, you are being Mr. Badman tonight. I'm wondering if we should call him Len-Sime, or Sime-Len."; and finally, the completely outlandish and awkward proposition: "Carrie Ann, you and me should make out." Methinks Ms. Abdul needs a new image consultant. Because that 5-year-old she has now sure isn't doing any good. (Don't worry, he only has to wait 11 years until he reaches the legal working age in most states.)
• Michael & Anna D. (14/30, samba): Poor Michael. He just can't get a break...his scores have been back and forth the past two weeks, and tonight was another low point for the lovable linebacker. (I don't really know if he really is a linebacker...but don't kill my alliterative dreams!) His chipper, dedicated personality still leaps off the screen and shows on the dance floor, but his samba was full of arm extensions and weird steps. I wouldn't have slapped it with the abysmally low scores the three judges did, but it was clearly far from perfect. Michael has the tools...and he has the charm. I really hope that the voters have given him a chance to develop those tools and become an Emmitt Smith or Warren Sapp, rather than...a Lawrence Taylor.
• Natalie & Alec (26/30, rumba): The swimmer has left the building, the dancer has emerged! Natalie's rumba was chock-full of intensity and fire...even if she & Alec had not included the fog machine and the random split-thing at the beginning, I still would have felt the tension and romance that was permeating their routine. Spurred by an appearance by Edyta, wearing an uncharacteristically moderate amount of clothing (and Samantha for once was right, Ms. Sliwinska had given Natalie permission to go "all out" rather than "all the way" with her husband...David Letterman can tell you there's a key difference there), Ms. Coughlin has channeled her athleticism and dedication into her dancing...and it really shows. Yay, a front-runner besides Joanna and Aaron (and Mya, too, but I love Mya)! Go for the gold, Natalie! (OK, so I'm not done with the puns...)
• Chuck & Anna Big-Hair T. (17/30, samba): A wrestler that gets regular pedicures with his daughter? If you need a candidate for the Celebrity Dad of the Year award, look no further. But if you are searching for the one to take it all and garner the mirrorball trophy? Go look somewhere else. Chuck had the ruffles, he had the partner with the big hair, and (for once!) he had the smile. But the steps? Those he did not possess. Big points for being such a sweet father...but those points were almost completely lost by his clunky samba.
• Mr. Expressive (AKA Aaron) & Karina (21/30, rumba): Yes! The unworthy front-runner has fallen! OK, so that was a bit harsh, but with my dislike of Mr. Carter, I was delighted that tonight the washed-up pop starlet's love-fest with the judges ended. His rumba wasn't horrible, but just like the judges said (for once, they nailed it on the nose! oops, that's two metaphors...), it needed some nuance and fluidity. One need look no further than his fake, Kathy Ireland-with-a-bit-of-lemon-juice on-screen persona to find the root of the problem. I mean, the guy's voice sounds like he's on helium. I doubt that's how he naturally speaks...stop concentrating on sound bites and sunny statements, you sound like a whiner. Again, I am being harsh here...but I feel it is true. Tone the act down, Mr. Carter, and you just may find a tiny bit of my favor.
• Tom & Cheryl (15/30, samba): Now, I've watched "DWTS" since season 2. I've seen injury after injury, health issue after health issue. From Marie's aforementioned faint to Cristian's arm getting hurt mid-dance, I've been there for pretty much everything. But a man in his sixties who nearly dropped his partner last week dancing despite doctors' and producers' advice otherwise, and intense pain in BOTH FEET? I was so scared he, or Cheryl, could get hurt--on national television, no less--that I said a quick prayer beforehand, no joke. Celebrity or not, I was afraid injuries could happen, and that they might be serious. Thankfully, my fears were allayed. The former Majority Leader pulled it through and came up with a serviceable, charming samba. Extra points for the rear-shaking (this time it was...somewhat...constructive...), cheeky pointing at himself during the line "I'd kinda like to be the President" (SO not happening, but it's good to dream), and the money-toss during the succeeding part of the song "so I can find out how your money's spent." (But wait, why are they throwing away money in this economy? Silly Republicans.) The technique was very far gone, and you could tell that Tom had a lot of pain (which made his dancing a bit more clunky), but it wasn't as much of a trainwreck as I thought it would be. And any dance that features a political theme in its costumes wins my (symbolic, I haven't dialed for Tom since Week One) vote.
• Kelly & Louis (20/30, samba): The Lady Gaga (I prefer to call her the Pop Tart Who Must Not Be Named) number was 1-800-Disgusting, but Kelly's dancing? Heading back to greatness. Her samba was a bit patchy at moments, but had lots of fire, and I always saw a smile on Ms. Osbourne's face. She was having the time of her life, but also kept her steps, for the most part, in order. She does need to listen to Carrie Ann's advice and keep her confidence up...but Kelly's back! Wow us next week, and you just might have a ticket to Mirrorball Land.

My Faves: Natalie, Louie, Melissa, Kelly, Mark, and Mya.

Make Like A (Dancing!) Tree And Leaf: Joanna, Aaron, and Chuck.

Aw, You're OK, I Guess: Michael, Debi, Tom, and Donny.

So there it is...the weirdest "DWTS" performance episode in recent memory. I recommend you spend the two hours until the results show trying to exorcise the mental image of Donny and Bruno's smooching. (Oh great, now I have another hour of therapy...) Or you could, you know, actually be productive. Whatever floats your boat. :) See you after the elimination, and for now, cheese out!