- Mark & Lacey (18/30, rumba): Hi-yah! OK, so Mr. Dacascos hasn't brought kung fu (officially) into his routine since Week One's little number, but watching him dance, you can definitely tell his years of practice in the art have informed his dancing. And not necessarily in a good way. Still, I enjoyed his rumba, even if it was a bit choppy (like the "waters off Nantucket," if you can catch that obscure "Arthur" reference...). I agree with Carrie Ann, he does have the quality of...well, not Joanna, but yes, Mya, but he needs some more fluidity. I do NOT agree with her comment, however, that his rumba was uncomfortable to watch. I liked it. It just needed a bit more finesse.
- (Good morning) Joanna & Derek (23/30, samba): Continuing in my gentle but firm referendum on Ms. Krupa's lack of charm and middling dancing talent, I didn't find her samba too delightful. It seemed a little disconnected, and I just don't see how she puts any emotion in her dancing. That, and Derek telling her to "make it nasty"? Watch yourself, Hough. She already wears next to no clothes, anyway. (Though ironically, this week, billed as "the sexiest week of competition," played host to her most modest costume...though "modest" would most certainly not be a word to describe it. "Candidate for Edyta's winter collection" might be a better name.) From the pointless rope-swing at the beginning (ugh, Derek) to the bitter end, not to mention a song I've always hated ("sex-y..." Ugh...), I'm still not following Joanna's moves.
- Mya & Shirtless Guy Dmitry (27/30, rrrumba!!!): Dmitry returned to his wicked ways this week (it's like his chest can't resist the enticement of being exposed), but I didn't really care...this dance was intense! Even to a song slapped with the dubiously open title of "Underneath Your Clothes," they turned up the romance and heat, but kept down the scandalousness. It was, as Lady Inaba dubbed it, "mesmerizing." Unfortunately, Len was not mesmerized, and instead took off THREE bloomin' points over small and perplexing quibbles over content and the dance being "too crazy." (I don't think the dance was the crazy thing, Mr. Goodman.) And did anybody else notice Bruno always acting defiant with his higher-than-Len scores? I found it hilarious, he seemed like a rebellious child that was actually right. Anyways, with a beauty of movement and a truly delightful on-screen persona (is it possible to dislike her? I think not), Mya is the one to beat. Viva la Mya!
- Melissa & Mark (19/30, samba): Once again, it wasn't exactly... (insert some other word besides "magic" in here...I need to stop these puns!), but it was still a joy to watch. Melissa seemed more at home tonight, but like the judges said, she still has a ways to go in confidence and precision. Can she do this, however, what with all her (admittedly charming) tripping and falling in rehearsal? I think she can. She did, after all, play a teenage witch. :)
- Louie & Chelsie (20/30, rumba): Holy chemistry! Up until now, Louie has been one of those typical middle-of-the-pack players, doing well but not perfect, not even living up to the fish-out-of-water "Ty Murray" standard on some occasions. Well, Mr. Vito shook off those chains tonight...his routine was full of intensity and romance. The really cool thing about it was that rather than relying on sex appeal and overly physical-ness, it seemed really genuine and pure. Louie and Chelsie gave a lot of tension and elegance, rather than just getting "down and dirty." Are they the most endearing couple to come across "DWTS"? Probably. It was a real treat to watch them, and if they can keep this up, they have finals to look forward to. And a message to Len: What?!?!? Don't you get tired of disagreeing with Carrie Ann and Bruno all the time? The only dance you scored higher than another judge was bloomin' Joanna, and the only other dances you didn't score lower than another judge was Mark's triple-six (aah, bad!) rumba and Donny's (oh, Donny...) 7-7-7 (lucky?) performance of the same dance. There's a line between providing a different viewpoint and just being off your head. You have crossed that line. Perhaps YOU need "a check up from the neck up, son."
- Debi & Maks (17/30, samba): This week's rehearsal footage was awesome! Not for Debi's newfound vow not to talk...goodness, Maks, can't you let her say "I didn't do that right"?? It's not going to kill you. So yes, not for the continual Debi-Maks light argument-fest. For another reason entirely...MEL B!!!! The sultry-voiced Brit made a delightful appearance in the rehearsal package, and I loved her playful statement that she was "always right" in her and Maks's many arguments. (Oh, and I remember many of them...Maks, be nice!) Of course, I would love her reciting the phone book...but I digress. Debi's dance? Her awkward (yet authentic) costume aside (why couldn't you have kept on the jacket?), I didn't think her dance was too terrible, though I did concur with Carrie Ann and Co. that it was a bit too "safe." Bring out that fire, Debi...and hopefully America will give her a chance to do so. If not, then we have a bunch of other great dancers...and hopefully Shawn or Kristi will stop by their rehearsals. :)
- Donny (?!?!?) & Kym (21/30, rumba): In what is likely to be styled something to the effect of "Smoochgate" or "Fake-Out Makeout," Donny got close to Bruno...VERY close. More on that in a second. Mr. Osmond's dance? OK. He seemed a little disconnected from Kym (especially during the out-of-place solo towards the beginning), and...aagh, I'm giving credibility to a Bruno quote...was a bit "airy-fairy," at least arm-wise. All that, however, took a huge back seat to The Kissing...out of completely NOWHERE, after Bruno had spoken a few sentences, Donny grabbed him in an embrace, planted a kiss on his cheek, and while Mr. Tonioli was still trying to finish his critique, simulated what must have been one of the most awkward, choppy makeout sessions in the world. I would have (somewhat) understood Donny doing this if Bruno had said something like, "Act like you're taking Kym in your arms and giving her a kiss," or "You're not being passionate enough!" But there was no such comment, so Mr. Osmond's actions just completely weirded me out. (Perhaps he and his sister have a contest to see who can have the most outrageous "DWTS" moment. Seeing as her faint was a bit involuntary...Puppy Love Donny wins.) Samantha...oh, Samantha...didn't do any favors with a typically squirm-inducing comment: "Maybe you should have given him tongue." My sister texted me and sagely remarked, "I'm scarred for life." My reply? "Me too."
- Paula &...Complete Insanity (????, ????): Paula wasn't a dancer, but if you think I was going to go without commenting on her eerily wacky interview with Mr. Bergeron, you've got another thing coming. There was the playful jab at Tom: "I was just doing fine until you came and sat next to me and disturbed me!" that fell abundantly flat; the childish and not very funny name-calling: "Mr. Goodman, you are being Mr. Badman tonight. I'm wondering if we should call him Len-Sime, or Sime-Len."; and finally, the completely outlandish and awkward proposition: "Carrie Ann, you and me should make out." Methinks Ms. Abdul needs a new image consultant. Because that 5-year-old she has now sure isn't doing any good. (Don't worry, he only has to wait 11 years until he reaches the legal working age in most states.)
- Michael & Anna D. (14/30, samba): Poor Michael. He just can't get a break...his scores have been back and forth the past two weeks, and tonight was another low point for the lovable linebacker. (I don't really know if he really is a linebacker...but don't kill my alliterative dreams!) His chipper, dedicated personality still leaps off the screen and shows on the dance floor, but his samba was full of arm extensions and weird steps. I wouldn't have slapped it with the abysmally low scores the three judges did, but it was clearly far from perfect. Michael has the tools...and he has the charm. I really hope that the voters have given him a chance to develop those tools and become an Emmitt Smith or Warren Sapp, rather than...a Lawrence Taylor.
- Natalie & Alec (26/30, rumba): The swimmer has left the building, the dancer has emerged! Natalie's rumba was chock-full of intensity and fire...even if she & Alec had not included the fog machine and the random split-thing at the beginning, I still would have felt the tension and romance that was permeating their routine. Spurred by an appearance by Edyta, wearing an uncharacteristically moderate amount of clothing (and Samantha for once was right, Ms. Sliwinska had given Natalie permission to go "all out" rather than "all the way" with her husband...David Letterman can tell you there's a key difference there), Ms. Coughlin has channeled her athleticism and dedication into her dancing...and it really shows. Yay, a front-runner besides Joanna and Aaron (and Mya, too, but I love Mya)! Go for the gold, Natalie! (OK, so I'm not done with the puns...)
- Chuck & Anna Big-Hair T. (17/30, samba): A wrestler that gets regular pedicures with his daughter? If you need a candidate for the Celebrity Dad of the Year award, look no further. But if you are searching for the one to take it all and garner the mirrorball trophy? Go look somewhere else. Chuck had the ruffles, he had the partner with the big hair, and (for once!) he had the smile. But the steps? Those he did not possess. Big points for being such a sweet father...but those points were almost completely lost by his clunky samba.
- Mr. Expressive (AKA Aaron) & Karina (21/30, rumba): Yes! The unworthy front-runner has fallen! OK, so that was a bit harsh, but with my dislike of Mr. Carter, I was delighted that tonight the washed-up pop starlet's love-fest with the judges ended. His rumba wasn't horrible, but just like the judges said (for once, they nailed it on the nose! oops, that's two metaphors...), it needed some nuance and fluidity. One need look no further than his fake, Kathy Ireland-with-a-bit-of-lemon-juice on-screen persona to find the root of the problem. I mean, the guy's voice sounds like he's on helium. I doubt that's how he naturally speaks...stop concentrating on sound bites and sunny statements, you sound like a whiner. Again, I am being harsh here...but I feel it is true. Tone the act down, Mr. Carter, and you just may find a tiny bit of my favor.
- Tom & Cheryl (15/30, samba): Now, I've watched "DWTS" since season 2. I've seen injury after injury, health issue after health issue. From Marie's aforementioned faint to Cristian's arm getting hurt mid-dance, I've been there for pretty much everything. But a man in his sixties who nearly dropped his partner last week dancing despite doctors' and producers' advice otherwise, and intense pain in BOTH FEET? I was so scared he, or Cheryl, could get hurt--on national television, no less--that I said a quick prayer beforehand, no joke. Celebrity or not, I was afraid injuries could happen, and that they might be serious. Thankfully, my fears were allayed. The former Majority Leader pulled it through and came up with a serviceable, charming samba. Extra points for the rear-shaking (this time it was...somewhat...constructive...), cheeky pointing at himself during the line "I'd kinda like to be the President" (SO not happening, but it's good to dream), and the money-toss during the succeeding part of the song "so I can find out how your money's spent." (But wait, why are they throwing away money in this economy? Silly Republicans.) The technique was very far gone, and you could tell that Tom had a lot of pain (which made his dancing a bit more clunky), but it wasn't as much of a trainwreck as I thought it would be. And any dance that features a political theme in its costumes wins my (symbolic, I haven't dialed for Tom since Week One) vote.
- Kelly & Louis (20/30, samba): The Lady Gaga (I prefer to call her the Pop Tart Who Must Not Be Named) number was 1-800-Disgusting, but Kelly's dancing? Heading back to greatness. Her samba was a bit patchy at moments, but had lots of fire, and I always saw a smile on Ms. Osbourne's face. She was having the time of her life, but also kept her steps, for the most part, in order. She does need to listen to Carrie Ann's advice and keep her confidence up...but Kelly's back! Wow us next week, and you just might have a ticket to Mirrorball Land.
My Faves: Natalie, Louie, Melissa, Kelly, Mark, and Mya.
Make Like A (Dancing!) Tree And Leaf: Joanna, Aaron, and Chuck.
Aw, You're OK, I Guess: Michael, Debi, Tom, and Donny.
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